Things Maggie Has Taught Me
1. Live in the Moment: Alcoholics Anonymous has a wonderful philosophy regarding “One Day at a Time.” I would like to suggest we live “One Moment at a Time.” So much of the time we are so busy either looking back at the past or looking forward to the future, we forget that all we truly have is the present moment. Maggie doesn’t worry where her next dog treat is coming from. She knows I will always do my best to take care of her. She is able to rest assured that tomorrow will take care of itself.
2. Love Overcomes Fear: Thunderstorms and rain are traumatic at our house, because Maggie is terrified of them. We have tried The Thunder Shirt (it didn’t do a thing except make Maggie feel hot), Prozac (yes, they give Prozac to dogs, but it didn’t help, although she did seem a little less depressed!), and a sedative for dogs. The sedative works, but I have to keep getting up off and on all night when Maggie jumps down off the bed (yes, she sleeps with me!) to get a drink of water so that she doesn’t go out the dog door without her Invisible Fence collar. I have found that if I hold Maggie next to me and she gets warm, she drifts off to sleep and forgets about the thunder, lightening, and wind. The love and comfort she feels from being next to me overcomes her fear of the storm.
3. Let Go of Grudges: Maggie has taught me to let bygones be bygones. That’s not to say that in the past I may have held onto a resentment I felt towards someone who I felt had wronged me, but I have worked very hard at letting go of the past. Grudges don’t hurt the person you hold them against, they hurt the person holding them.
4. When You’re Happy, Show It!: It’s okay to let other people know you’re happy. Dogs wag their tails and jump about when they are excited. Sometimes, we forget to fully enjoy the good things we are given. We trudge along every day never fully allowing ourselves to feel the enjoyment of being alive.
5. Be the Best You Possible: Dogs don’t try to imitate what other dogs look like. Maggie is a Shih Tzu. She doesn’t envy a Collie or a Poodle. She is happy being a Shih Tzu. She knows she has special talents and gifts only a Shih Tzu has. She may not be as fast as a Greyhound or as big as a Mastiff, but she is able to capitalize on how cute and cuddly she is.
6. Loyalty Matters: Maggie plays with everyone, but she knows when it’s time to leave for the day, she is coming home with me. She loves it when people pay attention to her, but when I pick up her leash, she’s ready to leave no matter what else is going on.
7. Never Stand When You Can Sit, Never Sit When You Can Lie Down, and Always Make Time for Belly Rubs: Maggie would be hard put to decide whether she likes dog treats or a belly rub more. It’s a sign of trust when she allows someone to rub her belly. You have to earn her trust. She doesn’t give trust to just anyone. We could learn a thing or two from her.
8. Listen to Your Body: Maggie drinks water when she’s thirsty. She lets me know when she’s hungry. She doesn’t look at the clock to decide if it’s time to eat or drink. She listens to her body.
9. Take Time to Play: We humans are so serious. As we grow older and accumulate more responsibility, we forget life is to be enjoyed. I have never heard of anyone on their death-bed saying they wish they had been more serious. I have heard a lot of older clients state one of their largest regrets is they didn’t live the life they had wanted, but did what someone else wanted them to do. When we enjoy what we do, it becomes more like play and less like work.
10. Persistence Pays Off: Maggie knows if she stares at me long enough and waits patiently, eventually she will wear me down. Maybe it’s the fact she is so patient and assumes I will give in, but it works every time!
11. Pay Attention to the People You Love: How many times have you caught yourself trying to win over people who don’t treat you well, while you take for granted the people who love you the most? This appears to be quite common among humans, but not dogs. Dogs pay attention to the people they love, because they know they people they love will pay attention to them. Lesson learned…
12. Love with Your Entire Being: When a dog loves you, you know it. They may play with other people, but when it really matters, they are there for you. Maggie loves everyone, but she knows we are a pair. When I leave the office for more than 45 minutes for lunch, she begins to whine. The secretaries have tried to reassure her I am returning, but it’s only when she hears my voice she calms down.She knows instinctively I love her as much as she loves me. I forget who owns whom…
When Love Dies
Although the heart has a tremendous ability to love, in some people it also has the equal ability to be self-serving and cruel. I have had clients who have been married a relatively short time who have managed to rip each other to shreds emotionally. Some dates last longer than some marriages.
What troubles me the most are the clients who have marriages of long duration who fall victim to affairs and treachery. One client in particular concerned me. It was a client who had been married for over thirty years whose husband had left her penniless while he had transferred all of their financial assets into his name alone. The woman had no job skills and no contacts outside of her relationship with her soon to be ex-husband and their child.
When I first met this client, her life was totally in shambles. She mourned the loss of her “perfect” family and the life style they had once enjoyed. As we talked, I had the unfortunate task of informing my client that nothing in her marriage was as it had seemed.
People in “perfect” marriages don’t leave their partner penniless and take to living with another woman.
As we talked, my client began to calm down and listen to what I was telling her. I told her she was mourning an illusion that hadn’t existed for years. She needed to be practical and find a way to support herself and her child if she was going to exist in any sort of fashion.
One of the biggest things I was able to do was to call my former clients who all were members of The First Wives Club. I don’t know if you are familiar with the movie of the same name. It starred several popular female stars that joined forces when their spouses left them for younger women. Because of their friendship, the women were able to prosper and totally make their ex-husband’s lives miserable.
I am by no means a man hater. In fact, I like men and wouldn’t want to live without the opposite sex. I do dislike cruelty and dishonesty regardless of the gender of the person. Be they men or women we owe it to our partners to be honest and kind.
What became of this client? She went on to live a life filled with friends and things she enjoyed. She had to develop some job skills which she was able to do in short time. More than anything, she learned that she didn’t have to stay in a marriage where she wasn’t loved or treated well.
What became of all the money her husband had absconded with? Let’s just put it this way…that’s why God created forensic accountants. Never underestimate the power of a group of women when they have been wronged.
Why can’t we live by the Golden Rule? Why is it when we leave childhood behind, we also leave behind all the moral and values some of us are taught? When love dies, kindness and compassion sometimes fall by the wayside.
If you are in a good relationship, give your partner a big hug and tell him or her how much they mean to you. Never take your relationship for granted. Treat your partner like you would like to be treated and never ever be too busy for your friends!
No “What Ifs”
It is so difficult to see a client and know you have absolutely no control over what is happening in his or her life. I can’t wave a magic wand and make everything better. I can’t make his or her problems go away.
Such was a client I saw recently, a 39 year old woman who had recently divorced from her husband. Even though her husband had not been emotionally available for their entire marriage, the woman still loved him. He had cheated on her and hadn’t supported her while she was seriously ill. Yet she still mourned the loss of her marriage.
I love the look I see on a client’s face when they tell me they love someone (and they have spent almost the entire session telling me all the awful things that person has done to them), and I ask them one simple question, “What is it you actually love about this person? The client will give me some vague answer such as “I love their smile” or “I love the way they have enthusiasm for life.” This doesn’t sound very balanced in comparison with someone being physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Yet, time after time my clients will swear they ‘love’ their abusive or neglectful partners.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but isn’t admiration part of love? Shouldn’t we like the qualities we see in our partner? So many clients I work with feel ‘sorry’ for their partner. Many times my client will feel or act almost as if they are parent to their partner. To me, this is not the best way to maintain a relationship.
Marriage should be reciprocal, not fifty-fifty all of the time, but have some give and take. Most of the time the client in my office is the one who is getting cheated out of a reciprocal relationship. They keep doing the same thing over and over and don’t understand why things don’t change for the better.
Until we come up with a better system, marriage is the best institution we currently have for two people to join together and raise children. Marriage requires two fully matured people who are complete within himself or herself so when they join together, they give the best they each have to each other. A lot of the time, people who get married aren’t mature enough to realize they are entering into a contract when they get married. Yes, marriage is a legal and binding contract in which you promise you will love that person despite what life holds for the rest of your life. When we look at the divorce statistics, it doesn’t look like a lot of people keep their promises.
People walk away from marriage way too lightly. I always encourage my clients to give their marriage 110%, so that if the marriage doesn’t work, at least they can walk away with no “what ifs.” It’s important to know you couldn’t have done anything else to make the marriage work…especially if children are involved. Children depend on their parent’s marriage to provide stability and predictability for the child.
My most recent client will begin to realize in time she and her partner were not able to meet each other’s needs in an appropriate manner. It’s not one partner is the good guy and the other the bad guy. Most of the time it’s a matter of the partners picking each other for the wrong reasons. We look for out partners to provide for us what we didn’t get from our parents as children.
I’ll give you an example of the woman whose father was an alcoholic. When she becomes an adult, she is apt to marry one of two types of men: the man who demonstrates constant attention to her until he becomes cloying or the man who is just like her father. He is never available for her emotionally whether it involves work or other activities. Until the woman addresses her underlying issues, she is apt to pick partners who do not provide a reciprocal relationship.
It’s a shame people don’t have to pass a test to get married. Admiring our partners and genuinely liking them is the best way to start a marriage off on the right foot. Giving the relationship 110% effort is what is needed to insure a long lasting relationship.
Life Lessons from Foster Care
1. Fear of failure is just that…fear.
- Some of my greatest triumphs began as failures.
- Everything that has happened to me has brought me to who and where I am today.
- What yardstick are you using to determine success? Does the yardstick include empathy, understanding, and most of all love?
2. Testing just doesn’t happen in school…although school can be a test!
- Kids who don’t like school sometimes think simply attending school is enough. I value going to school, not cutting class, paying attention, and doing your school work!
3. It’s okay to dream…just be prepared for life’s realities.
- I’ve had to learn that my dreams for foster kids (and my own children) weren’t necessarily the dreams they had for themselves.
4. Home should not be determined by nostalgia.
- Rose colored glasses don’t always give an accurate picture of what it was really like at home.
- Don’t get so stuck in looking backwards at what was, that you don’t see what you now have.
- Don’t feel guilty for being happy.
5. Lesser offenses and choosing your battles wisely are a study in patience.
- Which battlefield do you want to die on?
6. Having a baby doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have someone to love you.
- How about looking within to find someone who will love you?
- How do you teach a foster child to love themselves if they have never known what love feels like?
- How do I let go of being a ‘parent’ to my siblings?
7. Kindred spirits can be great mentors if they have cleaned up their act and learned from their mistakes.
- You can either be a wonderful example or a horrible warning.
- Who understand better than someone who has walked in your shoes?
8. When people are unkind just say, “Thank you for the lesson. I couldn’t have learned it without you.
- All of us are the ‘bad guy’ at one time or another…perhaps that was the role that helped someone else with one of life’s lessons.
- Just try not to be the ‘bad guy’ very often.
9. Forgiveness is a kindness all of us will need at one time or another, so practice it frequently.
- Foster children have the most amazing ability to forgive their families of origin.
- Better the devil you know than the one you don’t. That’s why so many foster kids cling to their family of origin.
10. Life goes on no matter what has happened.
- Know that this too shall pass.
- If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, i should be made of steel!
11. Attitude is everything!
- A chip on your shoulder can really slow you down!
- You can say so much more when you say it with a smile and an open heart.
12. You are so much more than a label…borderline, bipolar, whatever!
- Any one of us would be labeled with a mental health diagnosis at one time or another given the right circumstance.
13. Tears do not a mother make…sometimes they make toxic love.
- It’s not your job to be your ‘parent’s’ parent.
- Learn to distinguish between pity and empathy.
14. When you mess up, fess up.
- It’s amazing how much easier life is when you’re not defensive.
15. It takes real smarts to figure out when the dream has died.
- Like the song says, “You have to know when to hold them and when to fold them.”
- Letting to doesn’t always happen all at once.
16. Celebrate the good times…don’t worry the bad times are just around the corner.
- Progress comes in tiny little steps sometimes…celebrate the successes and try to minimize attention to the steps backwards.
17. Insight comes in small steps, not gigantic leaps and bounds.
- Don’t tell me how much you know until you show me how much you care.
18. You can’t fix a ‘little crack’ (or any other substance abuse) in just one Step.
- Substance abuse and compulsive behavior have a real purpose…they tell us when we’re hurting.
- Know if you take one compulsive behavior away, acting out in another way will probably escalate.
19. Live in the moment…faith and hope can move mountains.
- Living from moment to moment is a great way to avoid baggage.
- Without faith and hope, what do I have left?
20. No matter what, don’t give up.
- All roads lead to Rome.
- What lessons I haven’t been able to teach you, life will…
I Understand Grace
I’ve never been particularly religious, although I do believe in a Higher Power. I see God everywhere. When a family comes in for treatment who has been through a horrendous occurrence or someone has endured after the worst possible loss, I see how God has helped them get through the most difficult of times. I have experienced this in my own life. I see God in a child’s eyes when they are bewitched by the magic of life. As adults, we sometimes have lost the ability to witness just what a miracle life really is.
I’ve never been able to understand exactly what the term “grace” meant, though. To me grace was something that was said before a meal to give thanks to God for His (or Her… I refuse to give up the idea that God might be feminine) bounty. After much time and thought, I finally think I have discovered what grace really is.
Whenever someone has something wonderful happen to them, others who are less fortunate might be envious and ask, “Why them and not me?” To me this is where grace enters in. Despite all of the short comings each one of us possess, God still sees fit to bless us with wonderful things… even though we might not have earned it. What a miserable world this would be if we only received that which we have earned! If we were honest with others (and especially ourselves), we will quickly realize all of our frailties.
We need to step back and allow others to be blessed with God’s grace. Put envy and greed aside and really rejoice with others when they are blessed with good fortune. Our turn will come also. Each one of us gets our fair share of joy and sorrow. By allowing others to enjoy their good fortune, we demonstrate that we have no need to be envious or greedy. We can rest assured that we too shall share in God’s bounty.
Grace…what a wonderful comfort to realize that despite all of our pettiness, God still loves and values us. Now if only we could learn to do that ourselves!
Fear of Being Alone
In the over twenty-five years I have been a psychotherapist, I have seen many clients settle for relationships in which I know they wouldn’t have remained had they not been so afraid of being alone. Why does our society stress you aren’t successful unless you are in a committed relationship…much like the animals on Noah’s Arc being brought aboard two by two? Why can’t our society stress it’s much more important to be happy with yourself, regardless whether one is in a committed relationship or not?
I would like to talk briefly about the consequences of being in a relationship where the greatest motivation for being in the relationship is one partner’s fear of being alone. Many clients who have come into my office have had partners who have been mentally, physically, and sexually abusive, yet the partner remains in the relationship all the while making excuses for their abusive partner’s behavior.
Mary (not the client’s real name) was one such client. Her partner had a lengthy history of infidelity which had resulted in Mary contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Although she knew she had never been unfaithful to her husband, Mary accepted the blame when her husband accused her of being the one to give him the STD.
Over the years, numerous clients have come into treatment only to admit after several sessions they had an open marriage where they and their partner could have sex with other people. Many times the marriages would end when one of the partners began to develop romantic feelings for the person with whom they were having sex.
I have had couples in open marriages complain their partner ‘cheated’ on them by having sex with someone who did not have a partner with which the complaining partner could have sex. It’s been extremely difficult for me to understand this “cheating’ concept. I guess each couple has their own agreement on which they base their relationship.
Being alone is not a horrible things if you are happy with yourself.
Personally, I think each person should be alone before they become involved in a committed relationship. We need time to grow and develop, to decide what it is we want out of life, and to determine what qualities we are looking for in a partner.
Women, because they have a larger part of their brain that controls emotional bonding behavior, are at a special disadvantage if they agree to a relationship that will involve only sex and no emotional commitment. Even though the woman may initially agree to simply having sex with no emotional commitment, before long she develops feelings for her partner. That is why I encourage women to put off having sex with someone they consider having a serious relationship with until they are sure they really like the person. Once sex is added to the mix, the woman is much less likely to think with a clear head about whether the relationship is something in which she wants to spend the rest of her life.
I want to take the opportunity to talk about the qualities of an abusive relationship. There are warning signs to look for: a partner who tries to cut off all your other relationships (especially with family members and close friends) and someone who controls all of the money so you are totally dependent upon them.
Excessive jealousy can be a sign of an abusive partner. At first, it may seem flattering to see your partner question every relationship you have looking for signs of someone attempting to woo you away. Before long, this can become abusive because the behavior isn’t based on the partner’s love for you. In reality, the partner’s jealousy is based in their own insecurity, It’s almost as if the partner believes they don’t deserve such a wonderful relationship, and they attempt to hold onto the relationship at all costs.
Sexual play involving rough behavior can be a red flag. This is not to say role-playing is always a bad thing, because some couples enjoy acting out a ‘script’ they have in their mind. What is abusive about rough sexual behavior is when it becomes coercive and one partner feels they are required to engage in rough behavior despite their objections to the contrary.
Controlling behavior is a clear indication of the potential of an abusive relationship. Things such as checking the car mileage, checking to see where the partner has spent every cent, mandating what your partner can wear with claims the clothing is too revealing (when it is quite appropriate), unrealistic demands on a partner that things be perfect (and only they get to set the standard for what determines perfection) are controlling behavior. Making decisions such as where your partner should work and who they should be allowed to talk with are clear indications of controlling behavior.
Depriving your partner of sleep, food, or other necessities of life are clearly abusive yet so many people don’t understand how serious this behavior is. In some abusive relationships I have seen the abusive partner determine what time the couple will go to bed with no concern of what the other partner wants. One partner may deliberately dictate where and what the couple will eat knowing their partner doesn’t like that place or food. While this behavior may initially not appear to be abusive, it can easily become so.
In closing, I would like to emphasize how important it is to like yourself and feel comfortable in your own company. Develop the job skills that will allow you to financially support yourself and your children if you have any. Learn to believe in yourself and don’t let anyone make you doubt your ability to succeed in life. Partners who are secure in himself or herself will encourage their significant other to become the best person they can possibly be.
Medical Jargon… Huh?
Did you ever wonder what all the jargon a doctor of therapist uses really means? So do we! One day one of our therapists, Bill, and one of our secretaries were out in the secretary’s office discussing a report Bill was doing regarding an adolescent who had some substance abuse issues. Come to think of it, tell me how many teenager you don’t who don’t have issues whether they are related to substance abuse or any other kind of problem.
Bill was sighing as he told our secretary, “How do I say it is not atypical for a teenager to experiment with some sort of alcohol?” Our secretary replied, “Are you attempting to say it’s not typical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol?” To which Bill replied, ” No. I’m trying to say it’s not atypical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol.”
The puzzled look on our secretary’s face said it all. “Wait a minute. Are you saying it is not not atypical or do you mean it’s typical?” she asked. My office door was open while all this was transpiring, and I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. Believe me, with all the stuff that happens around our office, I have no need to eavesdrop!
“What are the two of you trying to say in the report? That it’s not typical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol? Or are you saying that it is typical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol?” I asked.
“What does atypical mean?” our secretary asked. She was always ready to cut to the heart of any matter. “Let me look it up and see exactly what it means,” she said as she went to the computer. “Okay, here it is. Atypical means something that’s not typical.” She leaned back in her chair with a sigh of satisfaction.
“So, I want to say that it’s not not atypical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol, right?” Bill said. By this time Bill was getting really frustrated with the conversation.
This entire conversation was getting too deep for the three of us. You would think three grown well-educated professionals with all sorts of tools at their disposal would be able to write one brief report without all of this confusion.
“Bill, are you trying to say it wouldn’t be unusual for this teenager to experiment with alcohol just like other teenagers do?” I asked. I was getting really confused by this entire conversation.
“Yes, that’s it! That’s exactly what I’m trying to say!” Bill exclaimed. You would have thought I had discovered the cure for cancer with the joyful reaction he gave me.
“Then just say it’s not unusual for a teenager to experiment with alcohol,” I suggested. Bill and our secretary looked at me like I had three heads.
“But don’t I have to use the correct terminology in the report?” Bill asked. Our secretary shook her head in agreement.
“Not if you’re not sure what the person reading the report is going to think if you meant something one way and they took it another,” I answered.
“You mean if I meant a thing one way and the person reading the report read I meant it another way differently than what I originally meant it?” Bill asked. Oh, no, here we go again I thought. I could see another confusing conversation heading my way.
“Just say it’s not unusual for a teenager to experiment with alcohol,” I sighed. I was not going to get into another conversation regarding linguistics or semantics. Besides, I didn’t know the answer. By this time my head was spinning. Come to think of it, I couldn’t remember what the question had been either.
Linguistics or semantics…I didn’t understand fully what they were either. I was definitely not going to try to explain them to Bill or the secretary. “I have a lot of phone calls to return and paperwork to finish,” I said as I gently closed my door. It’s a wise person who learns when to admit defeat I thought as I walked to my desk and opened my appointment book. I would save this battle for another day.