When Love Dies
Although the heart has a tremendous ability to love, in some people it also has the equal ability to be self-serving and cruel. I have had clients who have been married a relatively short time who have managed to rip each other to shreds emotionally. Some dates last longer than some marriages.
What troubles me the most are the clients who have marriages of long duration who fall victim to affairs and treachery. One client in particular concerned me. It was a client who had been married for over thirty years whose husband had left her penniless while he had transferred all of their financial assets into his name alone. The woman had no job skills and no contacts outside of her relationship with her soon to be ex-husband and their child.
When I first met this client, her life was totally in shambles. She mourned the loss of her “perfect” family and the life style they had once enjoyed. As we talked, I had the unfortunate task of informing my client that nothing in her marriage was as it had seemed.
People in “perfect” marriages don’t leave their partner penniless and take to living with another woman.
As we talked, my client began to calm down and listen to what I was telling her. I told her she was mourning an illusion that hadn’t existed for years. She needed to be practical and find a way to support herself and her child if she was going to exist in any sort of fashion.
One of the biggest things I was able to do was to call my former clients who all were members of The First Wives Club. I don’t know if you are familiar with the movie of the same name. It starred several popular female stars that joined forces when their spouses left them for younger women. Because of their friendship, the women were able to prosper and totally make their ex-husband’s lives miserable.
I am by no means a man hater. In fact, I like men and wouldn’t want to live without the opposite sex. I do dislike cruelty and dishonesty regardless of the gender of the person. Be they men or women we owe it to our partners to be honest and kind.
What became of this client? She went on to live a life filled with friends and things she enjoyed. She had to develop some job skills which she was able to do in short time. More than anything, she learned that she didn’t have to stay in a marriage where she wasn’t loved or treated well.
What became of all the money her husband had absconded with? Let’s just put it this way…that’s why God created forensic accountants. Never underestimate the power of a group of women when they have been wronged.
Why can’t we live by the Golden Rule? Why is it when we leave childhood behind, we also leave behind all the moral and values some of us are taught? When love dies, kindness and compassion sometimes fall by the wayside.
If you are in a good relationship, give your partner a big hug and tell him or her how much they mean to you. Never take your relationship for granted. Treat your partner like you would like to be treated and never ever be too busy for your friends!
No “What Ifs”
It is so difficult to see a client and know you have absolutely no control over what is happening in his or her life. I can’t wave a magic wand and make everything better. I can’t make his or her problems go away.
Such was a client I saw recently, a 39 year old woman who had recently divorced from her husband. Even though her husband had not been emotionally available for their entire marriage, the woman still loved him. He had cheated on her and hadn’t supported her while she was seriously ill. Yet she still mourned the loss of her marriage.
I love the look I see on a client’s face when they tell me they love someone (and they have spent almost the entire session telling me all the awful things that person has done to them), and I ask them one simple question, “What is it you actually love about this person? The client will give me some vague answer such as “I love their smile” or “I love the way they have enthusiasm for life.” This doesn’t sound very balanced in comparison with someone being physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Yet, time after time my clients will swear they ‘love’ their abusive or neglectful partners.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but isn’t admiration part of love? Shouldn’t we like the qualities we see in our partner? So many clients I work with feel ‘sorry’ for their partner. Many times my client will feel or act almost as if they are parent to their partner. To me, this is not the best way to maintain a relationship.
Marriage should be reciprocal, not fifty-fifty all of the time, but have some give and take. Most of the time the client in my office is the one who is getting cheated out of a reciprocal relationship. They keep doing the same thing over and over and don’t understand why things don’t change for the better.
Until we come up with a better system, marriage is the best institution we currently have for two people to join together and raise children. Marriage requires two fully matured people who are complete within himself or herself so when they join together, they give the best they each have to each other. A lot of the time, people who get married aren’t mature enough to realize they are entering into a contract when they get married. Yes, marriage is a legal and binding contract in which you promise you will love that person despite what life holds for the rest of your life. When we look at the divorce statistics, it doesn’t look like a lot of people keep their promises.
People walk away from marriage way too lightly. I always encourage my clients to give their marriage 110%, so that if the marriage doesn’t work, at least they can walk away with no “what ifs.” It’s important to know you couldn’t have done anything else to make the marriage work…especially if children are involved. Children depend on their parent’s marriage to provide stability and predictability for the child.
My most recent client will begin to realize in time she and her partner were not able to meet each other’s needs in an appropriate manner. It’s not one partner is the good guy and the other the bad guy. Most of the time it’s a matter of the partners picking each other for the wrong reasons. We look for out partners to provide for us what we didn’t get from our parents as children.
I’ll give you an example of the woman whose father was an alcoholic. When she becomes an adult, she is apt to marry one of two types of men: the man who demonstrates constant attention to her until he becomes cloying or the man who is just like her father. He is never available for her emotionally whether it involves work or other activities. Until the woman addresses her underlying issues, she is apt to pick partners who do not provide a reciprocal relationship.
It’s a shame people don’t have to pass a test to get married. Admiring our partners and genuinely liking them is the best way to start a marriage off on the right foot. Giving the relationship 110% effort is what is needed to insure a long lasting relationship.
Fear of Being Alone
In the over twenty-five years I have been a psychotherapist, I have seen many clients settle for relationships in which I know they wouldn’t have remained had they not been so afraid of being alone. Why does our society stress you aren’t successful unless you are in a committed relationship…much like the animals on Noah’s Arc being brought aboard two by two? Why can’t our society stress it’s much more important to be happy with yourself, regardless whether one is in a committed relationship or not?
I would like to talk briefly about the consequences of being in a relationship where the greatest motivation for being in the relationship is one partner’s fear of being alone. Many clients who have come into my office have had partners who have been mentally, physically, and sexually abusive, yet the partner remains in the relationship all the while making excuses for their abusive partner’s behavior.
Mary (not the client’s real name) was one such client. Her partner had a lengthy history of infidelity which had resulted in Mary contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Although she knew she had never been unfaithful to her husband, Mary accepted the blame when her husband accused her of being the one to give him the STD.
Over the years, numerous clients have come into treatment only to admit after several sessions they had an open marriage where they and their partner could have sex with other people. Many times the marriages would end when one of the partners began to develop romantic feelings for the person with whom they were having sex.
I have had couples in open marriages complain their partner ‘cheated’ on them by having sex with someone who did not have a partner with which the complaining partner could have sex. It’s been extremely difficult for me to understand this “cheating’ concept. I guess each couple has their own agreement on which they base their relationship.
Being alone is not a horrible things if you are happy with yourself.
Personally, I think each person should be alone before they become involved in a committed relationship. We need time to grow and develop, to decide what it is we want out of life, and to determine what qualities we are looking for in a partner.
Women, because they have a larger part of their brain that controls emotional bonding behavior, are at a special disadvantage if they agree to a relationship that will involve only sex and no emotional commitment. Even though the woman may initially agree to simply having sex with no emotional commitment, before long she develops feelings for her partner. That is why I encourage women to put off having sex with someone they consider having a serious relationship with until they are sure they really like the person. Once sex is added to the mix, the woman is much less likely to think with a clear head about whether the relationship is something in which she wants to spend the rest of her life.
I want to take the opportunity to talk about the qualities of an abusive relationship. There are warning signs to look for: a partner who tries to cut off all your other relationships (especially with family members and close friends) and someone who controls all of the money so you are totally dependent upon them.
Excessive jealousy can be a sign of an abusive partner. At first, it may seem flattering to see your partner question every relationship you have looking for signs of someone attempting to woo you away. Before long, this can become abusive because the behavior isn’t based on the partner’s love for you. In reality, the partner’s jealousy is based in their own insecurity, It’s almost as if the partner believes they don’t deserve such a wonderful relationship, and they attempt to hold onto the relationship at all costs.
Sexual play involving rough behavior can be a red flag. This is not to say role-playing is always a bad thing, because some couples enjoy acting out a ‘script’ they have in their mind. What is abusive about rough sexual behavior is when it becomes coercive and one partner feels they are required to engage in rough behavior despite their objections to the contrary.
Controlling behavior is a clear indication of the potential of an abusive relationship. Things such as checking the car mileage, checking to see where the partner has spent every cent, mandating what your partner can wear with claims the clothing is too revealing (when it is quite appropriate), unrealistic demands on a partner that things be perfect (and only they get to set the standard for what determines perfection) are controlling behavior. Making decisions such as where your partner should work and who they should be allowed to talk with are clear indications of controlling behavior.
Depriving your partner of sleep, food, or other necessities of life are clearly abusive yet so many people don’t understand how serious this behavior is. In some abusive relationships I have seen the abusive partner determine what time the couple will go to bed with no concern of what the other partner wants. One partner may deliberately dictate where and what the couple will eat knowing their partner doesn’t like that place or food. While this behavior may initially not appear to be abusive, it can easily become so.
In closing, I would like to emphasize how important it is to like yourself and feel comfortable in your own company. Develop the job skills that will allow you to financially support yourself and your children if you have any. Learn to believe in yourself and don’t let anyone make you doubt your ability to succeed in life. Partners who are secure in himself or herself will encourage their significant other to become the best person they can possibly be.
Medical Jargon… Huh?
Did you ever wonder what all the jargon a doctor of therapist uses really means? So do we! One day one of our therapists, Bill, and one of our secretaries were out in the secretary’s office discussing a report Bill was doing regarding an adolescent who had some substance abuse issues. Come to think of it, tell me how many teenager you don’t who don’t have issues whether they are related to substance abuse or any other kind of problem.
Bill was sighing as he told our secretary, “How do I say it is not atypical for a teenager to experiment with some sort of alcohol?” Our secretary replied, “Are you attempting to say it’s not typical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol?” To which Bill replied, ” No. I’m trying to say it’s not atypical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol.”
The puzzled look on our secretary’s face said it all. “Wait a minute. Are you saying it is not not atypical or do you mean it’s typical?” she asked. My office door was open while all this was transpiring, and I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. Believe me, with all the stuff that happens around our office, I have no need to eavesdrop!
“What are the two of you trying to say in the report? That it’s not typical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol? Or are you saying that it is typical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol?” I asked.
“What does atypical mean?” our secretary asked. She was always ready to cut to the heart of any matter. “Let me look it up and see exactly what it means,” she said as she went to the computer. “Okay, here it is. Atypical means something that’s not typical.” She leaned back in her chair with a sigh of satisfaction.
“So, I want to say that it’s not not atypical for a teenager to experiment with alcohol, right?” Bill said. By this time Bill was getting really frustrated with the conversation.
This entire conversation was getting too deep for the three of us. You would think three grown well-educated professionals with all sorts of tools at their disposal would be able to write one brief report without all of this confusion.
“Bill, are you trying to say it wouldn’t be unusual for this teenager to experiment with alcohol just like other teenagers do?” I asked. I was getting really confused by this entire conversation.
“Yes, that’s it! That’s exactly what I’m trying to say!” Bill exclaimed. You would have thought I had discovered the cure for cancer with the joyful reaction he gave me.
“Then just say it’s not unusual for a teenager to experiment with alcohol,” I suggested. Bill and our secretary looked at me like I had three heads.
“But don’t I have to use the correct terminology in the report?” Bill asked. Our secretary shook her head in agreement.
“Not if you’re not sure what the person reading the report is going to think if you meant something one way and they took it another,” I answered.
“You mean if I meant a thing one way and the person reading the report read I meant it another way differently than what I originally meant it?” Bill asked. Oh, no, here we go again I thought. I could see another confusing conversation heading my way.
“Just say it’s not unusual for a teenager to experiment with alcohol,” I sighed. I was not going to get into another conversation regarding linguistics or semantics. Besides, I didn’t know the answer. By this time my head was spinning. Come to think of it, I couldn’t remember what the question had been either.
Linguistics or semantics…I didn’t understand fully what they were either. I was definitely not going to try to explain them to Bill or the secretary. “I have a lot of phone calls to return and paperwork to finish,” I said as I gently closed my door. It’s a wise person who learns when to admit defeat I thought as I walked to my desk and opened my appointment book. I would save this battle for another day.