It is so difficult to see a client and know you have absolutely no control over what is happening in his or her life. I can’t wave a magic wand and make everything better. I can’t make his or her problems go away.
Such was a client I saw recently, a 39 year old woman who had recently divorced from her husband. Even though her husband had not been emotionally available for their entire marriage, the woman still loved him. He had cheated on her and hadn’t supported her while she was seriously ill. Yet she still mourned the loss of her marriage.
I love the look I see on a client’s face when they tell me they love someone (and they have spent almost the entire session telling me all the awful things that person has done to them), and I ask them one simple question, “What is it you actually love about this person? The client will give me some vague answer such as “I love their smile” or “I love the way they have enthusiasm for life.” This doesn’t sound very balanced in comparison with someone being physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Yet, time after time my clients will swear they ‘love’ their abusive or neglectful partners.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but isn’t admiration part of love? Shouldn’t we like the qualities we see in our partner? So many clients I work with feel ‘sorry’ for their partner. Many times my client will feel or act almost as if they are parent to their partner. To me, this is not the best way to maintain a relationship.
Marriage should be reciprocal, not fifty-fifty all of the time, but have some give and take. Most of the time the client in my office is the one who is getting cheated out of a reciprocal relationship. They keep doing the same thing over and over and don’t understand why things don’t change for the better.
Until we come up with a better system, marriage is the best institution we currently have for two people to join together and raise children. Marriage requires two fully matured people who are complete within himself or herself so when they join together, they give the best they each have to each other. A lot of the time, people who get married aren’t mature enough to realize they are entering into a contract when they get married. Yes, marriage is a legal and binding contract in which you promise you will love that person despite what life holds for the rest of your life. When we look at the divorce statistics, it doesn’t look like a lot of people keep their promises.
People walk away from marriage way too lightly. I always encourage my clients to give their marriage 110%, so that if the marriage doesn’t work, at least they can walk away with no “what ifs.” It’s important to know you couldn’t have done anything else to make the marriage work…especially if children are involved. Children depend on their parent’s marriage to provide stability and predictability for the child.
My most recent client will begin to realize in time she and her partner were not able to meet each other’s needs in an appropriate manner. It’s not one partner is the good guy and the other the bad guy. Most of the time it’s a matter of the partners picking each other for the wrong reasons. We look for out partners to provide for us what we didn’t get from our parents as children.
I’ll give you an example of the woman whose father was an alcoholic. When she becomes an adult, she is apt to marry one of two types of men: the man who demonstrates constant attention to her until he becomes cloying or the man who is just like her father. He is never available for her emotionally whether it involves work or other activities. Until the woman addresses her underlying issues, she is apt to pick partners who do not provide a reciprocal relationship.
It’s a shame people don’t have to pass a test to get married. Admiring our partners and genuinely liking them is the best way to start a marriage off on the right foot. Giving the relationship 110% effort is what is needed to insure a long lasting relationship.