Fear of Being Alone
In the over twenty-five years I have been a psychotherapist, I have seen many clients settle for relationships in which I know they wouldn’t have remained had they not been so afraid of being alone. Why does our society stress you aren’t successful unless you are in a committed relationship…much like the animals on Noah’s Arc being brought aboard two by two? Why can’t our society stress it’s much more important to be happy with yourself, regardless whether one is in a committed relationship or not?
I would like to talk briefly about the consequences of being in a relationship where the greatest motivation for being in the relationship is one partner’s fear of being alone. Many clients who have come into my office have had partners who have been mentally, physically, and sexually abusive, yet the partner remains in the relationship all the while making excuses for their abusive partner’s behavior.
Mary (not the client’s real name) was one such client. Her partner had a lengthy history of infidelity which had resulted in Mary contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Although she knew she had never been unfaithful to her husband, Mary accepted the blame when her husband accused her of being the one to give him the STD.
Over the years, numerous clients have come into treatment only to admit after several sessions they had an open marriage where they and their partner could have sex with other people. Many times the marriages would end when one of the partners began to develop romantic feelings for the person with whom they were having sex.
I have had couples in open marriages complain their partner ‘cheated’ on them by having sex with someone who did not have a partner with which the complaining partner could have sex. It’s been extremely difficult for me to understand this “cheating’ concept. I guess each couple has their own agreement on which they base their relationship.
Being alone is not a horrible things if you are happy with yourself.
Personally, I think each person should be alone before they become involved in a committed relationship. We need time to grow and develop, to decide what it is we want out of life, and to determine what qualities we are looking for in a partner.
Women, because they have a larger part of their brain that controls emotional bonding behavior, are at a special disadvantage if they agree to a relationship that will involve only sex and no emotional commitment. Even though the woman may initially agree to simply having sex with no emotional commitment, before long she develops feelings for her partner. That is why I encourage women to put off having sex with someone they consider having a serious relationship with until they are sure they really like the person. Once sex is added to the mix, the woman is much less likely to think with a clear head about whether the relationship is something in which she wants to spend the rest of her life.
I want to take the opportunity to talk about the qualities of an abusive relationship. There are warning signs to look for: a partner who tries to cut off all your other relationships (especially with family members and close friends) and someone who controls all of the money so you are totally dependent upon them.
Excessive jealousy can be a sign of an abusive partner. At first, it may seem flattering to see your partner question every relationship you have looking for signs of someone attempting to woo you away. Before long, this can become abusive because the behavior isn’t based on the partner’s love for you. In reality, the partner’s jealousy is based in their own insecurity, It’s almost as if the partner believes they don’t deserve such a wonderful relationship, and they attempt to hold onto the relationship at all costs.
Sexual play involving rough behavior can be a red flag. This is not to say role-playing is always a bad thing, because some couples enjoy acting out a ‘script’ they have in their mind. What is abusive about rough sexual behavior is when it becomes coercive and one partner feels they are required to engage in rough behavior despite their objections to the contrary.
Controlling behavior is a clear indication of the potential of an abusive relationship. Things such as checking the car mileage, checking to see where the partner has spent every cent, mandating what your partner can wear with claims the clothing is too revealing (when it is quite appropriate), unrealistic demands on a partner that things be perfect (and only they get to set the standard for what determines perfection) are controlling behavior. Making decisions such as where your partner should work and who they should be allowed to talk with are clear indications of controlling behavior.
Depriving your partner of sleep, food, or other necessities of life are clearly abusive yet so many people don’t understand how serious this behavior is. In some abusive relationships I have seen the abusive partner determine what time the couple will go to bed with no concern of what the other partner wants. One partner may deliberately dictate where and what the couple will eat knowing their partner doesn’t like that place or food. While this behavior may initially not appear to be abusive, it can easily become so.
In closing, I would like to emphasize how important it is to like yourself and feel comfortable in your own company. Develop the job skills that will allow you to financially support yourself and your children if you have any. Learn to believe in yourself and don’t let anyone make you doubt your ability to succeed in life. Partners who are secure in himself or herself will encourage their significant other to become the best person they can possibly be.