Things Maggie Has Taught Me
1. Live in the Moment: Alcoholics Anonymous has a wonderful philosophy regarding “One Day at a Time.” I would like to suggest we live “One Moment at a Time.” So much of the time we are so busy either looking back at the past or looking forward to the future, we forget that all we truly have is the present moment. Maggie doesn’t worry where her next dog treat is coming from. She knows I will always do my best to take care of her. She is able to rest assured that tomorrow will take care of itself.
2. Love Overcomes Fear: Thunderstorms and rain are traumatic at our house, because Maggie is terrified of them. We have tried The Thunder Shirt (it didn’t do a thing except make Maggie feel hot), Prozac (yes, they give Prozac to dogs, but it didn’t help, although she did seem a little less depressed!), and a sedative for dogs. The sedative works, but I have to keep getting up off and on all night when Maggie jumps down off the bed (yes, she sleeps with me!) to get a drink of water so that she doesn’t go out the dog door without her Invisible Fence collar. I have found that if I hold Maggie next to me and she gets warm, she drifts off to sleep and forgets about the thunder, lightening, and wind. The love and comfort she feels from being next to me overcomes her fear of the storm.
3. Let Go of Grudges: Maggie has taught me to let bygones be bygones. That’s not to say that in the past I may have held onto a resentment I felt towards someone who I felt had wronged me, but I have worked very hard at letting go of the past. Grudges don’t hurt the person you hold them against, they hurt the person holding them.
4. When You’re Happy, Show It!: It’s okay to let other people know you’re happy. Dogs wag their tails and jump about when they are excited. Sometimes, we forget to fully enjoy the good things we are given. We trudge along every day never fully allowing ourselves to feel the enjoyment of being alive.
5. Be the Best You Possible: Dogs don’t try to imitate what other dogs look like. Maggie is a Shih Tzu. She doesn’t envy a Collie or a Poodle. She is happy being a Shih Tzu. She knows she has special talents and gifts only a Shih Tzu has. She may not be as fast as a Greyhound or as big as a Mastiff, but she is able to capitalize on how cute and cuddly she is.
6. Loyalty Matters: Maggie plays with everyone, but she knows when it’s time to leave for the day, she is coming home with me. She loves it when people pay attention to her, but when I pick up her leash, she’s ready to leave no matter what else is going on.
7. Never Stand When You Can Sit, Never Sit When You Can Lie Down, and Always Make Time for Belly Rubs: Maggie would be hard put to decide whether she likes dog treats or a belly rub more. It’s a sign of trust when she allows someone to rub her belly. You have to earn her trust. She doesn’t give trust to just anyone. We could learn a thing or two from her.
8. Listen to Your Body: Maggie drinks water when she’s thirsty. She lets me know when she’s hungry. She doesn’t look at the clock to decide if it’s time to eat or drink. She listens to her body.
9. Take Time to Play: We humans are so serious. As we grow older and accumulate more responsibility, we forget life is to be enjoyed. I have never heard of anyone on their death-bed saying they wish they had been more serious. I have heard a lot of older clients state one of their largest regrets is they didn’t live the life they had wanted, but did what someone else wanted them to do. When we enjoy what we do, it becomes more like play and less like work.
10. Persistence Pays Off: Maggie knows if she stares at me long enough and waits patiently, eventually she will wear me down. Maybe it’s the fact she is so patient and assumes I will give in, but it works every time!
11. Pay Attention to the People You Love: How many times have you caught yourself trying to win over people who don’t treat you well, while you take for granted the people who love you the most? This appears to be quite common among humans, but not dogs. Dogs pay attention to the people they love, because they know they people they love will pay attention to them. Lesson learned…
12. Love with Your Entire Being: When a dog loves you, you know it. They may play with other people, but when it really matters, they are there for you. Maggie loves everyone, but she knows we are a pair. When I leave the office for more than 45 minutes for lunch, she begins to whine. The secretaries have tried to reassure her I am returning, but it’s only when she hears my voice she calms down.She knows instinctively I love her as much as she loves me. I forget who owns whom…
I Understand Grace
I’ve never been particularly religious, although I do believe in a Higher Power. I see God everywhere. When a family comes in for treatment who has been through a horrendous occurrence or someone has endured after the worst possible loss, I see how God has helped them get through the most difficult of times. I have experienced this in my own life. I see God in a child’s eyes when they are bewitched by the magic of life. As adults, we sometimes have lost the ability to witness just what a miracle life really is.
I’ve never been able to understand exactly what the term “grace” meant, though. To me grace was something that was said before a meal to give thanks to God for His (or Her… I refuse to give up the idea that God might be feminine) bounty. After much time and thought, I finally think I have discovered what grace really is.
Whenever someone has something wonderful happen to them, others who are less fortunate might be envious and ask, “Why them and not me?” To me this is where grace enters in. Despite all of the short comings each one of us possess, God still sees fit to bless us with wonderful things… even though we might not have earned it. What a miserable world this would be if we only received that which we have earned! If we were honest with others (and especially ourselves), we will quickly realize all of our frailties.
We need to step back and allow others to be blessed with God’s grace. Put envy and greed aside and really rejoice with others when they are blessed with good fortune. Our turn will come also. Each one of us gets our fair share of joy and sorrow. By allowing others to enjoy their good fortune, we demonstrate that we have no need to be envious or greedy. We can rest assured that we too shall share in God’s bounty.
Grace…what a wonderful comfort to realize that despite all of our pettiness, God still loves and values us. Now if only we could learn to do that ourselves!
Fear of Being Alone
In the over twenty-five years I have been a psychotherapist, I have seen many clients settle for relationships in which I know they wouldn’t have remained had they not been so afraid of being alone. Why does our society stress you aren’t successful unless you are in a committed relationship…much like the animals on Noah’s Arc being brought aboard two by two? Why can’t our society stress it’s much more important to be happy with yourself, regardless whether one is in a committed relationship or not?
I would like to talk briefly about the consequences of being in a relationship where the greatest motivation for being in the relationship is one partner’s fear of being alone. Many clients who have come into my office have had partners who have been mentally, physically, and sexually abusive, yet the partner remains in the relationship all the while making excuses for their abusive partner’s behavior.
Mary (not the client’s real name) was one such client. Her partner had a lengthy history of infidelity which had resulted in Mary contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Although she knew she had never been unfaithful to her husband, Mary accepted the blame when her husband accused her of being the one to give him the STD.
Over the years, numerous clients have come into treatment only to admit after several sessions they had an open marriage where they and their partner could have sex with other people. Many times the marriages would end when one of the partners began to develop romantic feelings for the person with whom they were having sex.
I have had couples in open marriages complain their partner ‘cheated’ on them by having sex with someone who did not have a partner with which the complaining partner could have sex. It’s been extremely difficult for me to understand this “cheating’ concept. I guess each couple has their own agreement on which they base their relationship.
Being alone is not a horrible things if you are happy with yourself.
Personally, I think each person should be alone before they become involved in a committed relationship. We need time to grow and develop, to decide what it is we want out of life, and to determine what qualities we are looking for in a partner.
Women, because they have a larger part of their brain that controls emotional bonding behavior, are at a special disadvantage if they agree to a relationship that will involve only sex and no emotional commitment. Even though the woman may initially agree to simply having sex with no emotional commitment, before long she develops feelings for her partner. That is why I encourage women to put off having sex with someone they consider having a serious relationship with until they are sure they really like the person. Once sex is added to the mix, the woman is much less likely to think with a clear head about whether the relationship is something in which she wants to spend the rest of her life.
I want to take the opportunity to talk about the qualities of an abusive relationship. There are warning signs to look for: a partner who tries to cut off all your other relationships (especially with family members and close friends) and someone who controls all of the money so you are totally dependent upon them.
Excessive jealousy can be a sign of an abusive partner. At first, it may seem flattering to see your partner question every relationship you have looking for signs of someone attempting to woo you away. Before long, this can become abusive because the behavior isn’t based on the partner’s love for you. In reality, the partner’s jealousy is based in their own insecurity, It’s almost as if the partner believes they don’t deserve such a wonderful relationship, and they attempt to hold onto the relationship at all costs.
Sexual play involving rough behavior can be a red flag. This is not to say role-playing is always a bad thing, because some couples enjoy acting out a ‘script’ they have in their mind. What is abusive about rough sexual behavior is when it becomes coercive and one partner feels they are required to engage in rough behavior despite their objections to the contrary.
Controlling behavior is a clear indication of the potential of an abusive relationship. Things such as checking the car mileage, checking to see where the partner has spent every cent, mandating what your partner can wear with claims the clothing is too revealing (when it is quite appropriate), unrealistic demands on a partner that things be perfect (and only they get to set the standard for what determines perfection) are controlling behavior. Making decisions such as where your partner should work and who they should be allowed to talk with are clear indications of controlling behavior.
Depriving your partner of sleep, food, or other necessities of life are clearly abusive yet so many people don’t understand how serious this behavior is. In some abusive relationships I have seen the abusive partner determine what time the couple will go to bed with no concern of what the other partner wants. One partner may deliberately dictate where and what the couple will eat knowing their partner doesn’t like that place or food. While this behavior may initially not appear to be abusive, it can easily become so.
In closing, I would like to emphasize how important it is to like yourself and feel comfortable in your own company. Develop the job skills that will allow you to financially support yourself and your children if you have any. Learn to believe in yourself and don’t let anyone make you doubt your ability to succeed in life. Partners who are secure in himself or herself will encourage their significant other to become the best person they can possibly be.