When Love Dies
Although the heart has a tremendous ability to love, in some people it also has the equal ability to be self-serving and cruel. I have had clients who have been married a relatively short time who have managed to rip each other to shreds emotionally. Some dates last longer than some marriages.
What troubles me the most are the clients who have marriages of long duration who fall victim to affairs and treachery. One client in particular concerned me. It was a client who had been married for over thirty years whose husband had left her penniless while he had transferred all of their financial assets into his name alone. The woman had no job skills and no contacts outside of her relationship with her soon to be ex-husband and their child.
When I first met this client, her life was totally in shambles. She mourned the loss of her “perfect” family and the life style they had once enjoyed. As we talked, I had the unfortunate task of informing my client that nothing in her marriage was as it had seemed.
People in “perfect” marriages don’t leave their partner penniless and take to living with another woman.
As we talked, my client began to calm down and listen to what I was telling her. I told her she was mourning an illusion that hadn’t existed for years. She needed to be practical and find a way to support herself and her child if she was going to exist in any sort of fashion.
One of the biggest things I was able to do was to call my former clients who all were members of The First Wives Club. I don’t know if you are familiar with the movie of the same name. It starred several popular female stars that joined forces when their spouses left them for younger women. Because of their friendship, the women were able to prosper and totally make their ex-husband’s lives miserable.
I am by no means a man hater. In fact, I like men and wouldn’t want to live without the opposite sex. I do dislike cruelty and dishonesty regardless of the gender of the person. Be they men or women we owe it to our partners to be honest and kind.
What became of this client? She went on to live a life filled with friends and things she enjoyed. She had to develop some job skills which she was able to do in short time. More than anything, she learned that she didn’t have to stay in a marriage where she wasn’t loved or treated well.
What became of all the money her husband had absconded with? Let’s just put it this way…that’s why God created forensic accountants. Never underestimate the power of a group of women when they have been wronged.
Why can’t we live by the Golden Rule? Why is it when we leave childhood behind, we also leave behind all the moral and values some of us are taught? When love dies, kindness and compassion sometimes fall by the wayside.
If you are in a good relationship, give your partner a big hug and tell him or her how much they mean to you. Never take your relationship for granted. Treat your partner like you would like to be treated and never ever be too busy for your friends!
No “What Ifs”
It is so difficult to see a client and know you have absolutely no control over what is happening in his or her life. I can’t wave a magic wand and make everything better. I can’t make his or her problems go away.
Such was a client I saw recently, a 39 year old woman who had recently divorced from her husband. Even though her husband had not been emotionally available for their entire marriage, the woman still loved him. He had cheated on her and hadn’t supported her while she was seriously ill. Yet she still mourned the loss of her marriage.
I love the look I see on a client’s face when they tell me they love someone (and they have spent almost the entire session telling me all the awful things that person has done to them), and I ask them one simple question, “What is it you actually love about this person? The client will give me some vague answer such as “I love their smile” or “I love the way they have enthusiasm for life.” This doesn’t sound very balanced in comparison with someone being physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Yet, time after time my clients will swear they ‘love’ their abusive or neglectful partners.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but isn’t admiration part of love? Shouldn’t we like the qualities we see in our partner? So many clients I work with feel ‘sorry’ for their partner. Many times my client will feel or act almost as if they are parent to their partner. To me, this is not the best way to maintain a relationship.
Marriage should be reciprocal, not fifty-fifty all of the time, but have some give and take. Most of the time the client in my office is the one who is getting cheated out of a reciprocal relationship. They keep doing the same thing over and over and don’t understand why things don’t change for the better.
Until we come up with a better system, marriage is the best institution we currently have for two people to join together and raise children. Marriage requires two fully matured people who are complete within himself or herself so when they join together, they give the best they each have to each other. A lot of the time, people who get married aren’t mature enough to realize they are entering into a contract when they get married. Yes, marriage is a legal and binding contract in which you promise you will love that person despite what life holds for the rest of your life. When we look at the divorce statistics, it doesn’t look like a lot of people keep their promises.
People walk away from marriage way too lightly. I always encourage my clients to give their marriage 110%, so that if the marriage doesn’t work, at least they can walk away with no “what ifs.” It’s important to know you couldn’t have done anything else to make the marriage work…especially if children are involved. Children depend on their parent’s marriage to provide stability and predictability for the child.
My most recent client will begin to realize in time she and her partner were not able to meet each other’s needs in an appropriate manner. It’s not one partner is the good guy and the other the bad guy. Most of the time it’s a matter of the partners picking each other for the wrong reasons. We look for out partners to provide for us what we didn’t get from our parents as children.
I’ll give you an example of the woman whose father was an alcoholic. When she becomes an adult, she is apt to marry one of two types of men: the man who demonstrates constant attention to her until he becomes cloying or the man who is just like her father. He is never available for her emotionally whether it involves work or other activities. Until the woman addresses her underlying issues, she is apt to pick partners who do not provide a reciprocal relationship.
It’s a shame people don’t have to pass a test to get married. Admiring our partners and genuinely liking them is the best way to start a marriage off on the right foot. Giving the relationship 110% effort is what is needed to insure a long lasting relationship.